Saturday, August 20, 2011

Titles of Books That Should Never Be Written

I am working on a list of titles of books that, if written, would be stinkers. So far I have:

The Abandoned Quonset Hut.Quonset 2, north of Dickinson Bayou at Hwy 146, Texas 0404091454Quonset 2, north of Dickinson Bayou at Hwy 146, Texas 0404091454, by accent on eclectic

I imagine this as a thriller, perhaps in the vein of The Thing. Or it could be a cosy catastrophe, with military survivors or something. I definitely think it should take place above 60 degrees latitude, I don't know why, nor does it matter because it would suck.

The Suicidal Chipmunk
Don't jump pal!Don't jump pal!, by Cleber Mori

This could be a morality tale à la James Thurber's Fables for Our Times, but not like David Sedaris' more recent animal stories, which I don't like. Though, since this is a book that should never be written, maybe the Sedaris stories are the model. I don't see how this book could be anything but terrible.


Aerial Application
Untitled, described as "aerial applicator at work near Pettit," by Elliot Blackburn

The title refers to the fancy way of saying "crop dusting," a mode of expression with which I became familiar in childhood from driving past a school for it in LaSalle, Colorado. But I think the book would be about a fraught romance between two trapeze artists. And it would be unspeakably foul.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Aerial Application"

That's too funny :-D
I can just imagine creepy acrobats in spandex.

"The first time he saw her from above, suspended..."

Blaize said...

It's so awful.

Bitterbetty said...

Aerial Application brought to mind ointments and rashes for me. I imagine there are some trapeze specific skin afflictions out there.

Blaize said...

Maybe they could rub ointment on each other after they both--with deep symbolism--fall into the net.

Anonymous said...

Aerial Application reminds me of the scene from "North by Northwest". Maybe it's a murder mystery?

Blaize said...

But that might actually be GOOD. I think using the title metaphorically and having it be about the trapeze artist love guarantees the book will be crappy.

Anonymous said...

A how-to book for those seeking careers in the burgeoning field of whip antenna installation.

Arlopop

Blaize said...

Snortle. Can it be a romance between two such people, in order to make it really bad?

Anonymous said...

Probably not. Whip antenna installer is less a profession and more a calling requiring, much like the priesthood, a devotion that in most cases includes a vow of celibacy. However, I could see a heartwrenching literary conflict betwixt the installers' love of their craft and the tug of fleshly desires.

Arlopop

Blaize said...

THAT would indeed be terrible, and should never be written.