Saturday, August 22, 2009

I Felt a Feeling, and I Told You with Punctuation Marks

Last week, I got a message on this dating website where I have a profile. I don't know why I keep the profile on there. Maybe because I think I might want to meet someone in the future. I certainly couldn't be bothered now. Anyway, the message was...okay-ish. But then I read the guy's profile and under the "I’m really good at" section, he had included "oral sex."

Here was my (not very nice) reply:

"Dear Gene Simmons,

I was considering your proposal semi-positively, until I read your profile and saw your claim of oral sexual prowess. I see you have removed that reference, but the damage has been done. I no longer, nor have I really ever, spent any time with people who want to talk about sex unless they are actually having it (though wordlessness is often better even then), or who would talk about how good they are at it in a public profile.

Also, just so you know, not all women even enjoy said activity.

Reading your profile unfortunately made me feel a bit soiled, and I will be too busy taking multiple Silkwood showers to ever be able to leave the house again.


He responded with a combination of passive-aggression and aggression-aggression, and a couple of insults followed by a repeated invitation that we do something together. While strange, this reaction didn't bother me, because I figured I had gotten what I deserved. What DID bother me was his repeated use of ;^D

Putting ;^D after calling someone crazy and a prude; what's that supposed to MEAN? "You're crazy and a prude! Winky nosy big smile!"

My reply to the the message, and his reply to that, all occurred during work, and this is why I love my work: my coworkers decided to enact the winky nosy smile In Real Life, and this is what we got:

Inevitably, this led to the recreation of other emoticons. I hope you enjoy the following.



D: (Two versions)


The ever-popular :(

And finally :-D


futuregirl said...

Hahahahahaha! First, you are funny. Second, your co-workers are funny. Third, those physical face reenactments of emoticons are funny. Fourth, that guy is a dummy.

arlopop said...

Silkwood showers - ha.

When it comes to emoticons I am so oblivious. Though I have used them infrequently, I always saw them as a crutch for bad writing. Or perhaps I just can't read them well. Thanks for the primer because half the time I can't visualize them. I am forever in your debt.

Oh, and that guy is a tool. :)

Blaize said...

Emoticons ARE a crutch for bad writing. I figured out that you could forgo using emoticons, and just use the word. Like this:

I was so ridiculous! (emoticon)
I was just kidding! (emoticon)
You're a crazy prude! (emoticon)

Since the emoticon is generally meant to give a spin to the previous sentence, but an emoticon is really vague as to what KIND of spin, just putting the word "emoticon" after the sentence will have the same damn effect.

Tonia said...

You crack me up! I agree anybody who boasts how good they are at some such activity leaves me a feeling a bit cold. I have a hard time figuring out the emoticons and what they mean. Your co-workers rock.

tess said...

haha, the "Winky nosy big smile" i'm just imagining how much laughter and howling there was at work that day. i'm in your camp about the wordlessness. you're an enjoyable writer and adventure tourist.

Green Kitchen said...

I actually lol-ed.

Mabel said...

I agree with the previous poster. I actually lol-ed too. I'm so glad I stumbled on to your blog by accident. I'll keep coming back for laughs like that.

Elaina said...

blaize. shit. i actually laughed loudly too. mom said, "what are you laughing at?" and then I showed her and she laughed even louder.

as for emoticons, I like to use the wink... ; )

but, honestly, when there's a whole keyboard to use, why bother? you can just write what you're trying to say. text messages on the other hand, emotional icons are useful in that context. of course, texting is often reserved for kids who are younger than me. so, perhaps, emoticons are the refuge of people who can't write and people who can't talk on the phone.