Sunday, January 21, 2007

Planet Crêpe

Green Kitchen has evoked my knowledge of made-up places to describe Planet Crêpe, home (or at least headquarters) of Spaceboy. I have been doing some research, and am finding that some of the material on Spaceboy (who, despite his boyishness, is quite important) is classified. While I am waiting on my access pass from the higher-ups (or His Nibs, as I like to call them), I can at least tell you what Spaceboy is up against in his fight for the goodness of batter, nutella, and all that is right in the universe.

Planet Crêpe is located, much to its dismay, in the Gamma Quadrant. Now, a word on the Gamma Quadrant: this Quadrant is a frightening and confusing place. Deep in this sector, the planets from whence nougat* is mined
nestle closely (astronavigationally-wise) with the planets that are the respective sources of such Earth cultural phenomena (loosely-termed) as Kenny G,
Chia Pets(tm),
and supply-side economics.
Huge space freighters trawl this part of the universe, collecting enormous cargoes of nougat, etc., which--after space flights the like of which would implode the brain of any Earthling--the crews of said freighters then dump on an unsuspecting and fully interpellated population here, ON EARTH.

It is unclear whether this cargo dumping is controlled by and paid for by some global cabal of such secrecy that it makes the rules for Fight Club seem as innocuous as the instructions on the back of a box of Tampax. If this were so, one shudders to think in what coin the aliens are being paid. Virgins? (Always in short supply, therefore likely impracticable.) Anime? (Of no evident value, therefore potentially interesting to our nougat-purveying alien "brethren.") Panda bears? (Since they won't even HAVE SEX TO SAVE THEIR OWN SPECIES, perhaps they, too, are from the Gamma Quadrant.)

Or, on the other hand, are the aliens of the Gamma Quadrant merely dumping space freighter-loads of shillelaghs,** nougat, Kenny G, Chia Pets(tm), and supply-side economics on Earth as a sociological experiment the parameters and labyrinthine logic of which would implode the brain of any Earthling.

Or, are they just trying to implode our brains?

I am too depressed by these various scenarios to create a proper manifesto moment for this analysis. I leave it to Spaceboy on Planet Crêpe to shape our future fate, the fate of the Gamma Quadrant, and the fate of the galaxy in sum. Once I find out what the heck he's doing about it, I'll let you know.

*Since no one has EVER given my a decent (by "decent" I mean "can be heard in mixed company") explanation of what the hell nougat is, I believe it comes from space.
**Don't ask about the shillelaghs; they just crept in.


futuregirl said...

I almost choked when I read the list of stuff from the Gamma Quadrant and it ended on "supply-side economics." The chart, that's the icing on the cake.

I'm disturbed by how much I just read about postmodern and post-structuralist critical theory just because of your interpellation link. I was tempted to take some random selections from the readings and string them together for this comment. Could they be less digestible in a mangled mess? Probably not. Maybe it would be like cutting your spaghetti before you eat it; easier to eat with less sauce on your face.

Also, your link for the rules for Fight Club are the interpellation link, is that correct?

And, in closing, if someone wanted to implode Earthlings brains, wouldn't the shillelaghs be all they needed? Why go all the way 'round the bend with the namby-pamby terror of Kenny G? Seeing this flaw in their plan erases all the fear I had of their success.

Blaize said...

The scary thing is that if you HAD quoted those texts, I would have understood them. THAT, my friend, is what higher education will do for you, right? Make it so you understand TOO MUCH about what makes the world tick like a bomb.

And no, the rules for Fight Club link was not supposed to be the interpellation link. But it's pretty damn funny that it was. I fixed it, though.

Sorry to make you afraid again, but they don't just want to implode our brains physically, in which case a shillelagh would indeed do nicely. They want us to SUFFER. Hence the Kenny G. And the supply-side economics.

futuregirl said...

Thanks for fixing the link. The Tampax instructions always had such great illustrations: tampon yoga positions for insertion. I was so disappointed when I first used them because they were so much more easy to use than the box made it appear. "Is that all," I thought. The Fight Club rules should have such an illustration ... something that appears to be quite dirty, but ultimately is just confusing.

futuregirl said...

Hey, were you talking to me? *snort*

Blaize said...

I remember I brought home a box of tampons once (O.B.) and the box said "NEW! Easier to insert!" Which I guess just meant they were more bullet-shaped. My roommate at the time, who was hilarious in many ways, looked at the box and said, "No more painful SHOVING and GRINDING! GONE are the days when I have to pound my tampon in with a ROCK!" I still laugh when I think of her dramatic hand gestures.